Crazy Uncle George's Blog
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Friday, February 2, 2007
Bachmann, Turn Her Over Dry
So I said that I'd have a Kelly Clarkson page up the next day, and baby, I delivered! So when I say that I will have the troops home from Iraq in another 20 to 30 years,
you can bank on that. I also added a Katie Couric section today, but I didn't have enough shots for a full page because you know how morning talk show hosts and news anchors aren't exactly the types to pose for cheesecake photos. I think I might need to take a little time away, though, because there's a bunch of heat in Washington, not literally of course. They're all up in a tizzy over this thing with new Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann, because she was clinging to my shoulder and then gave me this kiss on the cheek after I'd kissed some nasty old piece of ass. Well, not Joan Rivers this time, but still unpleasant...
So as usual, the Democrats are all up with their panties in a bunch, and it's like seriously, you guys need to chillax. Grab some herbal tea and a poppyseed bagel or something. I mean, it was just a peck, not even on the mouth. And then all we did later was get to third base back in my hotel, and then get into my collection of whips and chains. Man, though, those Democrats are relentless... stupid party of social conservatives. You know, I have had it with this damned Democratic Party of Bible-thumpers annoying us fun-loving Republicans with their damned religion. But what are you going to do? Am I right? Am I right? Damned right, George is right.
And this whole Iraq thing is a mess as usual. Everybody at the page is annoying me with their stupid ideas, like Thrillhouse wants me to pull all the troops out and Duffman's going off about his crazy shit. He's saying that we divide our troops in half between the Sunnis and Shiites, and then say that it's a fight to the death, where the winner kills everybody in Iraq on the other side, to get these nutcases to be the ones asking for peace. And I'm like, "You guys don't know what you're talking about. Withdraw the troops? How is that going
to help us get out of Iraq?" No, I mean, it's like I've been saying for months now. The reason we're having problems in Iraq is because of a bigger terrorism throughout the broader Middle East. As everybody knows, everything that ever happens in the world is the result of chief executives of nations... like me. Because we are the shit, and in no way compensating for lack of penis size with pointlessly aggressive foreign policy. So if something goes wrong in Iraq, it must be the result of the leaders of Iran. And if we overthrow Iran and it doesn't work, it must be the result of the leaders of Syria.
So I've developed the following agenda. First, we're going to invade Iran to stop terrorism. And then if somebody causes some violence anywhere, then it isn't working because of broader global terrorism, so we'll invade Syria. And then if that doesn't work, we'll invade Lebanon. And if that's not working, I'm going into Cambodia. Then we move on to Yemen, the United Arab Emirates, Egypt, and Kuwait. If that still isn't working, we invade Canada, France, Venezuela, and Massachusetts. No luck there and we invade North Korea, Cuba, Australia, Afghanistan, Liberia, Ghana, Pakistan, Libya, Japan, India, Thailand, and Indonesia. If we're still having problems, we're going to hit up those fuckers in Mexico, Panama, Chile, Russia, Armenia, Germany, Ireland, Brazil, Uruguay, Somalia, Ethiopia, the Czech Republic, Greece, the Netherlands, and Poland. Don't forget Poland. And if we've invaded all those countries and it still isn't working, then perhaps I've chosen the wrong method. But most likely not. So we go into Honduras, Belize, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Vietnam, Nigeria, the Slovak Republic, Belarus, Paraguay, the Turks and Caicos Islands, the Falkland Islands, Easter Island, the Phillippines, Belgium, Switzerland, Mali, Papa New Guinea, American Samoa, the British Virgin Islands, Malaysia, the United Kingdom, Israel, Turkey, Hungary, Romania, Mongolia, and Kazakhstan. And well, if that still hasn't gone through, then the terrorists are too strong, so we surrender the country. But I am fairly certain that this whole thing will work with just the Iran thing. I mean, I am almost 6% sure. Look at my hand. Do you see any shaking? Damned right. George is right.