Crazy Uncle George's Blog
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Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I Can't Believe It's Not Bitter
So I've designed a new type of breakfast topping that's about 40% sugar, and another 45% high fructose corn syrup.
I'd been planning on selling it in a bunch of areas where I'd contracted with a lot of cosmetic dentists first, so it could act like a sort of "protection" scheme, but in light of recent events, I might shift course with this. The product is named "I Can't Believe It's Not Bitter" because of its sugary composition, or least that's what Uncle Dick tells me. I think composition means... um, sexy? Either way, it seems like with Obama's recent comments, the timing of this release was quite fortuitous, or at least that's what Uncle Dick tells me. I think fortuitous means... um, also sexy? Man, there are a lot of words that mean sexy. I think they're making my brain bleed.
So it looks like there are some shocking revelations that Obama thinks that many small-towners' insistence on religious fundamentalism, guns, and chasing dem dirty immigants is an outlet for the frustration of being in low-paying, dead-end jobs in areas where the greatest attraction for Saturday night excitement is a Wal-Mart two towns over. This runs contrary to the well-established notion that the ignoring any practical details or freedoms in order to try to hunt down gays, immigrants, and anyone who's just not evangelical enough is a by-product of secret messages in the corn that can only be read by the "morally superior," moral superiority having been established through a process of cultivating said corn. Did I mention that I just said sexy in the last sentence about a bajillion times?
Either way, since it is so controversial, as shown in Obama's widening the gap in his national Democratic polls but lowered ratings among viewers of The O'Reilly Factor, we've decided to capitalize on the trend by marketing our new, sugar-infested product in poor, hillbilly areas. We're banking on them not being able to afford anything healthier, and not realizing that they also can't afford treating the heart and gum disease that the food will help bring to the area. We're then going to release a bunch of magazines into the area to tell them that they're fine, and the problem is a selection of female celebrities who are thinner than they are, and thus responsible for all their problems. Obama's given us the perfect marketing campaign, because now we just have to appeal to hillbilly pride with some delusional euphemisms. I had to bring Karl back, because he was always so good at manipulating these people.
We started by going with some of the Hillary quotes about how people in palukavilles with boring jobs don't turn to religion and guns because they're materially poor, but because they coincidentally all happen to be "rich in spirit." We then add how they should go with the condiment that's rich in all the elements that give you diabetes, with 400% of your daily recommended value of dextrose in a single serving. Hey, everybody's a winner! I love this attitude. It makes me so happy that I have to go use my Flintstones phone. Yabba dabba doo!
Well, either way, I have just the hot celebrities to start scapegoating for when these people turn into giant balls of boston creme. This is a big W time, so I've added pictures to the Susan Ward and Holly Weber pages. I've also added a section for Kristen Wiig. I was going to add Sarah Silverman, but I thought I should do something different and add a girl who's funny instead. Actually, the Susan Ward and Holly Weber updates are big ones, especially the Holly Weber one, which makes hers the biggest gallery on the page. She's the first one to reach 200 pictures, with 210, and the weird thing is that I'm still not even remotely done with the pictures I have of her that I was going to put up. She's already got the biggest gallery in the history of the page, and it might double in the next month or two. It takes an enormous amount of time to organize and catalogue all these pictures, though, since this isn't some photoblog and I'm not going to just dump shots off a truck instead of using the Internet tubes, so I'm not sure when that'll be ready.