Crazy Uncle George's Blog
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Thursday, October 9, 2008
850 Billion Dollars!
So I've been checking the map, and now they're saying that if the election were held today and all the toss-up states went by the slim poll margins they have, then Barack Obama would get over twice as many electoral votes as John McCain. Supposedly every state that went for either Gore or Kerry is in his column, plus also Virginia, Colorado, Ohio, Florida, Nevada, and just barely North Carolina and Missouri. So that'll mean McCain by five electoral votes after the Bradley effect, which I'm told is either a racial effect of polling named for former L.A. mayor Tom Bradley or the way everyone's faces scrunched up after my friend Bradley from high school walked into the room after not showering for a week. And just to be sure, we've started the "not one of us" campaign to make sure we covered that we don't just get in a group bias about blacks, but also one about suspected Muslims and another about states where it's acceptable to be black and possibly Muslim.
Either way, this is a lot closer than I like, and with states like Iowa and New Hampshire (which I've won) solid blue, I think it's time for a reality check. Having spent a couple of minutes in the free speech zone last week, I'd be good at this. In fact, let's not even start with this Barack guy. Let's start with some other stuff that's been going on that's just weird. Or you know what? Let's not even start with that. Let's start with the updates to the webpage instead of the reality check at all. I've got some new galleries up, and one is for fellow Republican Elizabeth Hasselbeck from that obnoxious... wait, female vote... I mean amazing show "The View". The other is for Aubrey O'Day, and from what I can tell, she's not a Republican, so there are plenty of hot pictures of her. Then I've got some new pictures for Carrie Underwood and Madeline Zima, who now have their own pages, plus Gabrielle Union, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Kelly Ripa, who already had full pages. I've added some of my scans to Kelly's page, since she's back on the cover of Shape, which means that they're out of ideas.
Kelly Ripa showing up on the cover of a women's fitness magazine is like Eva Longoria showing up on the cover of a Hispanic women's magazine or Stacy Keibler on the cover of Stuff while it was still going. Then again, all of my ideas come from a big wheel with "tax cuts" and "print money" on every space, so who am I to complain about the same old ideas?
Okay, so reality check time. I'm not sure what all this business is about how much trouble the working class is having finding jobs under my administration. Obviously, if they don't have jobs, they are not part of the working class. I'm not sure who decided to define people without useable skills or specialty college degrees as the "working class" as if other people don't work, too. Then they start referring to women from families that have lower incomes because only the male works as "working class women" and this whole thing is just getting ridiculous. Then they start talking about the poor, needy people of the middle class and how they're getting shafted by Team Bush. Okay, if these people are the poor and needy section of the population, then they're part of the lower class. I'll never know how exactly the "middle class" expanded to include everyone but Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. And on top of that, everyone gets all huffy when we race-bait with our "not one of us" campaign, but why exactly is it that whenever white people vote for John McCain because he's white, it's "racism" and when black people vote for Obama because he's half-black, it's "pride" or "identity" instead?
And then we get to Mr. Hussein, which is what we started calling Barack again because we want to remind the public how well the Iraq issue works for us. Somehow, this guy has done nothing for the economy, and backs my bailout plan which polls really badly, and yet whenever trouble starts brewing with the subprime housing problems the voters start flooding his way. He and McCain backed the same bailout bill, and okay, the campaign suspension stunt wasn't McCain's best moment, but the polls should stay the same since they have the same plans. Well, now McCain wants to have the government buy out the bad mortgages directly and eat the price difference for failed borrowers instead of investing in failed businesses, which I don't stand for at all because I have no idea where the kickbacks come from in this plan. Still, this poll movement was all happening before they had different plans.
What's more, the Congressional elections start sliding Democratic because the voters don't like the way I handled the economy. This makes no sense, because they're the party that's voting with me. And people thinking that we're on the wrong track going to the Democratic side for Congress? The Democrats control both houses of Congress. The track we're on, i.e. the biggest change in direction over the past couple years, is having Congress switch from Republican to Democrat control. On top of that, the polls were reading that the people were worried that Congress would act too quickly on a government rescue for the housing crisis, and then a few days pass and the House votes no once, and then the polls showed that the people were now worried that Congress would act too slowly on a government rescue for the housing crisis. The people are ridiculous. No wonder they elected me. They deserve me.
This whole time has been so stressful. Hankypank and his crew have been working every weekend, trying to find new businesses for giving out money. We didn't pass the bailout the first time around, and they came to me to tell me that even though the bill was basically just a ton of pork, they'd need more pork to pass it. And I don't really get why they don't just use paper to print legislative bills, which seems wasteful especially when we're having all these economic problems, but either way, I sent some guys out to the butcher to get some pork for Congress. Then I found out that Congress didn't even eat the stuff. What a waste. Well, at least the bailout passed, but it's been so trying that it's almost not worth the kickbacks.