Crazy Uncle George's Blog
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Saturday, October 11, 2008
The Kitchen Sink
So the McCain campaign's been trying to figure out how to throw the kitchen sink, and they've been coming crawling to me in the past couple of weeks. This time, it's to ask about campaigning on terrorism, because that always works for us. They've brought out this Bill Ayers thing because they want to throw the word around, so I told them that it sounded like a real powerful last-minute game-changer to talk only about a piece of months-old news from the Democratic primaries.
Governor Palin's been off releasing statements about how it's relevant for the economy because the economy is about judgment, and that Obama shows his bad judgment with Ayers. In the past, he associated with Professor Ayers to do some education reform, and in the present, Hussein Obama doesn't answer simple questions forthrightly. She read an article about Obama and Ayers in the New York Times. Then again, it's hard to trust the New York Times because it had an article that mentioned an association between McCain and a female lobbyist, because it was just a business relationship and the whole mention looked like McCarthy-style guilt by association.
I've been mainly working with Governor Palin, so I told her that she needs to make the voters really care about terrorism. The voters need to know the terrorists want to destroy America's constitutional freedoms. The terrorists want to destroy the more cosmopolitan American social values and replace it with religious fundamentalism. They want to destroy the American prosperity that sprang from the young minds leading the tech revolution. And the voters need to know that we're going to look the terrorists in the eye, and tell them that we are the U.S. Government, and that's our job.
We'd been doing some debate prep before because I learned a thing or two down on the bayous of Connecticut about winning without actually winning, and... well, she wasn't going to do it the real way. And really, I play dumb for the public so I can pass off an elaborate series of kickbacks as innocent economic bumbling, but really, I'm one of the greatest mindermasts in American politics. I can say that here, because nobody ever believes that I'd be running a website about sexy pictures of female celebrities.
McCain had just wrapped up his debate where he'd gone with somebody else's strategy of starting every sentence with "Senator Obama doesn't understand" or "Senator Obama doesn't get it." It didn't work very well, because somebody let Mr. Hussein in there, too, so voters could "make up their own minds," as if that's a good idea. For her debate, we decided that answering the questions isn't optional. It's forbidden, no matter how simple the questions are or how much it seems like it should be answered forthrightly. I didn't want her to get dragged into some sort of policy debate at this event. Basically, the idea was that if she doesn't even bother trying to deal with any serious policy discussions, nobody will evaluate her on them. She'll just get to glide by on the more important qualifications of hair, makeup, confidence, eye contact, posture, tone of voice, and whether she wore the same outfit better than Sandra Day O'Connor.
As a backup plan, we'd already prepared a memo about how the liberal media bias has gone missing from its mountain lair again and might be in your children's bedroom closets. The plan was to wait until some left-wing pundit somewhere makes some criticism of Palin, and then we'd coordinate with all a few hundred right-wing pundits to release the statement that all criticism can only be the work of the recently-escaped liberal media bias. As everyone knows, when the liberal media bias has escaped from its mountain lair, then its presence automatically invalidates all secondary support as well as any news facts released by the same organization with a pundit believed to have had an encounter with the beast. We didn't even have to use the backup plan, really, because the detbate strategy went over really well, with only minor amounts of griping about Palin not actually debating, as if the issues or sound reasoning are part of a debate.
I suppose there is one important issue, though: updates to the web page. I've added new pictures to the Emmy Rossum, Emmanuelle Vaugier, and Sofia Vergara galleries. I might add a whole new person's gallery tomorrow, but I've also got a lot of existing galleries that could use some attention, so we'll see.